Douche:

Dear StopBeingaDouche.com:

I commute by train to work. I was anxious to get home last night and ran to the train. I sat down in a lovely window seat. Looking at my watch, I saw that there was 1 minute until the train left. I was sure I had the seat to myself. As the doors shut, an incredibly large (and, of course, stinky) man sat next to me. Squeezing his rump into the two seater was no easy task. He shifted, wiggled, and grunted his way in. And, as all fat folks do, he began to sweat... profusely. I spent the next hour of my life sandwiched between a filthy train window and a stinky, sweaty, overly large douchebucket. Can you please give me some pointers on how to deal with these types of douchebags?

Fondly,

Surrounded by Stinky Douchebags

Counter-Douche:

Dear Surrounded by Stinky Douchebags:

Thank you for your email. It seems as if you've encounter the not-so-rare commuter douche. Commuter douches are very often large, sweaty and smelly. They also think that they're entitled to 1.5 seats when they purchase a 1 seat ticket. They're aggressive and their sly tactic of repulsive odor is hard to fight. My advice: give them a card, a douchecard. Step up, be a schmuck and hand them a nice little card. Tell them to check out the site. Once you've escaped the commuter douche, hop on stopbeingadouche.com and virtually rip them a new one. Let it out! You paid for a full seat, not for the pleasure of sharing a seat in a cesspool of douche. Demand respect you non-douchey commuter. You're saving the environment by taking mass transit. Go ahead and save the world by calling out the commuter douche! Make us proud!

Douche:

Vinny Garr from Boston, MA writes:

I know people can't get enough of me. It keeps me up at night thinking that I can't provide everybody in the world with enough "Vinny Time." My antics never get old, my jokes are always fresh, my skin is always fake bake orange, and let's face it, I'm a charmer. Women love me. They adore me. They need me.

Sometimes to get people the max amount of Vinny face time I need to rush. I might not have time to aim my silver G35 coupe between the lines when I park. Some people might think this is rude or inconsiderate, but I am doing it for their own good. If I spend less time parking between lines, I can spend more time with you. Not to mention it gives me more time to sculpt my super gnarly chinstrap beard. I mean, how cool is that? A chinstrap! And I have one. Calm down ladies, one at a time ;)

Sometimes people get mad at me for parking crooked or for weaving in and out of traffic, but they need to realize I am doing this for their own good. The faster I get somewhere, the more I can spread the Vinny love. Plus, if I didn't cut you off and get in front of you, how would you see my totally awesome Infiniti G35 chrome license plate frame? Don't hate me for trying to show you what a little class looks like. Also, don't try to yell and make hand gestures. I can't hear you over my dance music and I can't see you with my seat reclined this far back. If you upset me, it might take me a little while to get my flow back up so I can please my adoring fans. That would be unfair to everybody else. Don't be selfish.

Speaking of my adoring fans, I need to communicate with them all the time. This might mean I talk on the cell phone while I drive. Or in public restrooms. Or at a funeral. Or at 7-11. You might also see me texting on my Sidekick on line at a fast food joint, behind the steering wheel of my car while I'm driving, or walking through the mall. People should know to get out of my way while I am doing this. It is a small price to pay for allowing another person Vinny communication.

As you can probably see, the things that I do that some people find annoying are really for the greater good. Trying to stop me from doing these things would only make the world a little less happy, as people would have less Vinny time. If you were as important as I am, you would understand.

Counter-Douche:

From the sounds of things Vinny, you are the classic "Ego Douche." The Ego Douche is more commonly known in the real world as the "douchebucket." Imagine if you will, a large bucket. What do people normally do with a bucket? They fill it with things just as you are full of yourself.